Résumé Angst

{at least I have an awesome mug for company}

Want Ads.  Job Hunting.  Résumé Writing.  Cover Letters.  None of it is as exciting as it sounds.

These days I talk to myself a lot.  It's a byproduct of going from a constantly-occupied house to one that I share with only two other people.  On days when Chloe and Dan are both at work, it's just me.  Well, me and my plants.  We have excellent conversations, don't get me wrong!  But when they end, I have that awkward feeling, like you always do when you walk away from a friend and realize… you totally did all the talking.

Most often, when I talk to myself, I'm reminding myself of things.  This is necessary because I have Dory-level short-term memory issues. 

I forget that I really don't want to work retail or be a nanny again, and that's why I'm applying for jobs that aren't on my résumé.  I forget that, with my quirky skill-set, there was no good way to apply for work long-distance, and that's why it was better to move first and look for work after.  I forget that my small home town wasn't exactly sparkling with job opportunities.

I forget all that, and turn on myself viciously, demanding, "WHOSE LUNATIC IDEA WAS THIS?!  Leave home?  Move to a new city with no job?  WHO DOES THAT?"  The answer, of course, is me.  I do that.  Apparently.

So I soothe myself with tea and comforting reassurances that I did think before I leapt.  I over-thought it, if I'm honest.  Rather like I'm doing now, with my résumé.

I can't seem to find the good balance between 'self-confident' and 'bragging', 'positive' and 'fulsome', or 'salesmanship' and 'honesty'.  I've reverted to my old college essay-writing habits; I only write cover letters between midnight and 3am.  That's when my brain is lax enough to string sentences together without second-guessing every syllable.

Yesterday, in a fit of faintly hysterical whimsy, I actually drew up an entire fake résumé, just for the satisfaction of saying whatever I wanted.  It's funny that, once I read it over, I still had no idea who would hire such a person.

 

Here's the brilliant thing, though: people keep appearing at my elbow like benevolent fairies, making suggestions of work I might enjoy, or mentioning openings they've heard about, or offering to hand-deliver my résumé to their friends.  It is gratifying, because it makes me feel more sure of myself and more welcome in their midst.  It is also incredibly humbling, because they don't actually know me yet.  I can take no credit for their generocity, nor offer anything in return.

The job hunt is ongoing, and I'll take all the prayers and help I can get.  But leave it to God to pull this off: one minute I'm fretting and kvetching over my work history, and the next I'm falling headfirst into unexpected grace.